October 28, 2013 / Conquer Approach Anxiety
This is a letter I sent about a month ago that I wanted to share with newer mailing list subscribers. It's a brief letter on conquering approach anxiety. I will be focusing a lot about approach anxiety and opening in general in the next few letters as I work on a comprehensive approach guide that will be out soon.
Approach anxiety is a real pain in the ass! You know the feeling; it's that feeling where you want to approach her; and you know you should, but for some reason you keep coming up with excuses why you shouldn't and in the end, you do nothing. Most men experience approach anxiety at some point in their lives; even self proclaimed experts at picking up women will fail to make a move due to anxiety. This is very natural; approach anxiety is hard wired behavior that is a function of evolution: years ago, if you approached the wrong woman, you risked serious injury or death at the hands of her man, family, or tribe. Fortunately, nowadays, except in rare instances, the risk of a fight breaking out over you talking to a girl is minimal. Unfortunately, the evolutionary remnants of approach anxiety remain.
So, how do you conquer your fear of approaching women? Here are 5 methods I used to get over my approach anxiety.
(1) Suck it up and approach -- the best way to overcome a phobia is to be exposed to it and see that everything will be fine. Once you force yourself to approach, with the sole purpose of just making an approach (try just saying "hi", don't even worry about a complicated routine), you will quickly realize that there is very little, if any, downside to approaching women out of the blue.
(2) Have a plan -- Having a plan on how you are going to approach, what you are going to say, where you are going to position yourself, etc. can all help ease one of the source of approach anxiety: worrying about what to do or say. Have a plan in advance will make it easier to follow through because you know what you are going to do and don't have to worry about the added pressure of having to improvise. Eventually, you will find improvisation is the most effective way to start a conversation in most cases, but if approach anxiety is an issue, having a plan can really help.
(3) Baby steps -- Believe it or not, there are many modes of communication and contact that fall in between a full blown approach. Try making eye contact with women if you are too afraid to approach them. Try going over and simply moving yourself close to her (for example, go over to where she is at the bar to order your drink). These little baby steps will help you get more comfortable interacting with women you are interested in.
(4) Try indirect openers -- Some men find it very difficult to simply go up to a woman and introduce themselves. If this is you, try an indirect opener. An example of an indirect opener would be pointing out something funny airing on the TV at the bar the woman next to you. Another example would be asking a woman near you when the venue closes down. Indirect openers are the easiest openers to get comfortable with, in my opinion.
(5) Try Online Dating -- Online dating is a great way to get more comfortable with women. Besides the amount of experience you can gain from one on one dates with women that are the norm with online dating, you can also "approach" tons of women through the computer where the fear or rejection is minimal.
These are just 5 tools that I have personally used to help overcome my approach anxiety. I think they can also work for you.