November 10, 2016 / Maintain Composure
Success can quickly turn to failure if you don't maintain composure.
I get e-mails like this a lot:
I met this great girl who I really like. She was also super into me. We went out a few times and we ended up having sex. Afterwards I told her that I really liked her and told her if she wanted to make things exclusive I am open to that. However, since that night, she has gotten a lot more cold and now I feel that I am losing her. What did I do wrong?
Most of you who read Josh Sway regularly know the answer already: Our friend was too needy. Neediness is poison when it comes to dating and relationships, and our friend, despite his target being so into him she was willing to have sex with him, got scared off by his desire to make things exclusive so early in the dating process. However, you all already know that neediness is bad. And this article isn’t about neediness. In the case above, neediness was a symptom of another issue: maintaining composure. That’s what I want to cover here.
Don’t assume you’ve won
Maintaining composure in the dating context essentially boils down to not assuming you’ve won. Don’t assume that just because a girl agreed to go on a date with you that she is going to want to date you. Don’t assume that just because a girl made out with you that she is going to sleep with you, and don’t assume that just because a girl slept with you she is going to want to date you exclusively.
It is mistakes made in these situations, along every step of the way, that often cause men to lose out on the woman they want. Instead of continuing to do what works, guys will assume that "they won" and let their guard down, lose their composure, and begin to act in unattractive ways.
Common Composure Mistakes
Losing your composure can manifest in a variety of unattractive ways. While it’s unrealistic to capture all the possible scenarios where one can lose their composure, almost all composure mistakes involve over-eagerness and accelerating emotionally too quickly. Here are some examples:
1. Dramatically Increasing Text/Call Frequency
Did you go from responding to her texts to texting her 10 times a day after a good date? If you did, you are losing composure. Being a nag is annoying and unattractive. You didn’t need to nag her to attract her, so why do you think suddenly it’s going to be attractive? It won’t. Measure your contact and response rate to mimic hers and generally err on the side of less contact in between in person dates.
2. Asking For Exclusivity Too Early
Our reader above made the mistake of trying to "lock it down" too early and paid for it. Much of the time, it’s going to be a red flag for a woman if you want to date her exclusively really early in the relationship. If she brings it up and you are ok with it, great! But generally, I recommend waiting for them to bring it up. Besides the obvious benefits of being able to date other women, your target may become suspicious that there is something wrong with you or that she is too good for you if you want to lock her down so quickly.
3. Taking Little Rejections Personally
Had sex on the last date, but this date she isn’t in the mood? Instead of getting all paranoid and emotional about it, just respect that she isn’t in the mood today and keep going about your business. It’s still early in the dating process most likely, and she doesn’t "owe" you anything. (Not that she owes you sex even if you are married).
4. Getting Too Comfortable
Remember, at the early stages of courtship you are not dating yet. That means maintaining your composure. Maintaining your composure also means not getting too comfortable. Do any weird things when you are alone, like talk to yourself really loudly? Don’t do it in front of her yet! Don’t fart really loudly when you two are sitting on the couch together and then laugh about it. Don’t bring up how you like to snuggle with your favorite stuffed animal when you go to bed. We all get comfortable and do weird things from time to time, and the problem isn’t any of these examples (or similar). The problem is that getting comfortable enough to fart in front of your date without being appearing embarrassed about it is really freaking weird early on in dating!
The bottom line is simple, don’t assume the battle is won because you had a good date, or had sex, or whatever. Let relationship level comfort evolve organically on its own, or let her instigate a good portion of it. Otherwise, you may risk scaring off a potential girlfriend by getting all excited and losing your composure.